Can you feel loss for something you never had?

 

“You’re just like your bloody mother.” Makutu seethes.

“Oh really?” Nyx replies. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re never bloody satisfied with what you’ve got. She always wanted what was out of reach.”

“What’s wrong with wanting more?”

“It’s never enough. Your mother would want more and more, and I gave her everything I had. Until she decided she wanted less. Less me.”

“And me.” Nyx leaned against the shed, looking down at her feet.

“It was her loss Nyx.”

“Why didn’t she want me?”

“She didn’t know what she wanted kid. You’re better off.”

“Did you know when I was little, I thought she was dead. I thought when you said she’d gone away that you were too afraid to tell me she’d died. I can’t remember her.”

“You were just a bub when she went.”

“Do you know where she is?”

“No idea, could be dead for all I know.”

“I hope she is.”

“Nyx…”

“Maybe she’d be happier if she was,” defiance flooding her face. “Maybe the only thing that would stop her from wanting more, is death. Maybe everyone else would be better off if she had just died, so they wouldn’t have to worry about her any more. Maybe..” Angry tears streaked her flushed cheeks.

“Come here girl,” Makutu wipes his hands on his jeans and wraps Nyx up in a bear hug. “I’m sorry I said you’re like her. You’re nothing like her. ”

“Nothing?”

“Well you can thank her for your looks, cause you obviously didn’t get them from me”. Makutu grins at Nyx and tussles her hair. “Come on, lets go have a cuppa”. Makutu clears his tools off the bench and Nyx wanders inside. While she waits for the jug to boil she hums a song that Nan had taught her. Makutu walks in wiping the grease off his hands with an old rag that just seemed to make his hands grubbier.

“Don’t sing that song please.” Makutu’s eyes are pained as he sinks into memory.

“Sorry Dad.” Nyx goes about the ritual of tea making with a well-practiced hand. Selene’s song plays on in her mind and she wonders how Selene would sound singing it.

 

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